The Midnight News 8.21.01
Posted By Hyatte on 08.21.01
MTV, RAW, Why Was Jericho There?, Vixxxens, Expert Flaming, Who's Gay in Hollywood?, Jake, Hawk, and More Naughty Definitions
Hello.
Big column... we got RAW notes, SS updates, Hollywood juice that you'll LOVE... I get lectured by an Internet Expert... and more foul definitions at the end. All this and MORE.
I have two quick MTV questions... 1: Is it now MTV law that every VMA show be hosted by black comics and 2: Who is this "Sway" news guy and isn't it racist AND insulting to presume that black kids will ONLY listen to news if it's read off by an urban "Hip-Hop" Newscaster who doesn't appear to have any broadcasting training whatsoever?
And man... I LOVE that Linkin Park song...
RAW FEELINGS
-I thought the Rock segment with the black midget blew. I wasn't too impressed with much of the show. And I DO have to admit that while she's a lot better looking than these Internet Feebs will admit, it's time to send Mrs. Undertaker home.
-However, I LOVED the Booker T/Tajiri segment/match. Booker is clearly relishing his first big time "WWF Push" and is making the best with it. It would not surprise me if he actually becomes a major player before all is said and done.
-The only segment worth talking about was the final one... I have to admit, as soon as everyone came out and people started talking, I had MAJOR flashbacks to Nitro's "Happy Birthday Hulk" segment that went on forever and did nothing but stroke Hogan's ego. I was all set to trash the show...
-Then Austin lost it. Watch the show again if you taped it... watch how Austin started to crack up... this was a shoot all the way, he was about to go into hysterics. Then watch the other wrestlers... they were ALL about to lose it... these guys were just having fun... AND THE CROWD WAS INTO IT!!!
-And Jim Ross... GOD BLESS F-ING JR!!! One of JR's overlooked skills is injecting sarcastic humor when needed. Snorting "Years?" when Chris Kanyon told Austin that he's been asking "Who Better Than Kanyon" for years. "JR NEEDS A MAALOX!!! SOMEONE GET JR A PEPTO!!!" "GO AHEAD TOUGH GUY!!! BITE INTO ONE OF THOSE BRICKS!!". I swear, at one time JR was also laughing so hard he had to cut out his mic. That's why he didn't say much during the song. He was enjoying the silliness as much as Austin was.
-Then all Hell broke loose and Angle pulled out... "MILK-A-MANIA IS RUNNING WILD!!!!" You just KNEW they all were having a blast.
-So, I started to groan... but then I stated to laugh... hard... and I NEVER do that during a wrestling show. Good, funny, silly stuff.
-Funniest moment... Stasiak charged Angle, Angle ducked smoothly and Stasiak crashed into the milk truck... Ross, "What an IDIOT!" Fantastic stuff.
-AND... finally... the serious spot in all this... Tazz is getting set for a face push... he's going to get his opportunity. If done right, he and Austin will have some BRUTAL confrontations.
-Oh, and since I've received one question on this already... No, you are NOT a "Tool" if you know who Green Lantern is... but YES, you ARE a "Tool" if you were grateful when Helms acknowledged that the current GL ring is NOT useless against to the color yellow. Don't worry, I'm a Tool, too.
THE GHOST OF AL ISAACS IS ALIVE AND WELL
1Wrestling, The Torch, The Observer, and every other web site that steals from them ALL announced that Chris Jericho was sent home after Sunday's show due to a concussion received after Rhyno gored him on the outside and would not be at the Raw show tonight
That is all.
BURN THE PAGE
Scherer confirmed what I had been thinking after Sunday's PPV. Dallas Page looks to be getting de-pushed starting now.
Oh and Scherer also noted that everyone was bitching about the loose ring ropes Sunday night... so Jericho was obviously forgiven for blowing those spots.
MAYHEM AT THE VIXXXEN SHOOT!!
RF Video addressed the widespread Internet rumors that Chris Candido disrupted a recent Wrestling Vixxxens photo-shoot, forcing the shoot to be canceled.
RF announced that the shoot went as planned and there was NO cancellation.
I DEMAND to know what site are they F-ing talking about? I went to ALL of them... there is NOTHING about Candido screwing up a Vixxxens shoot.
EXPERT OPINION AS TO WHY THE UNDERTAKER SUCKS
Last night, I bitched at all these people who like to rag on the Undertaker... well, an expert read it and saw fit to chew me out... here it is.
"Why is it that Undertaker marks refuse to address the actual problem with his matches?
Nobody is pissed that the Undertaker wins his matches. He's fighting DDP and Kanyon. I could give a rat's ass if he wins every match he's ever in from now until the end of his career.
But just read this sentence, and if you still don't get it through your drunk-column-writing head, read it again: The Undertaker puts on bad wrestling matches because part of a good wrestling match is a bit of back and forth - otherwise known as "selling" for your opponent.
You got that? Are you thinking about what a great leader he is in the locker room, about how he never went over Shawn Michaels? Are the words "legend" and "hell in the cell" swimming around in your mind? WELL THEN READ IT AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL MISSING THE POINT. Go ahead, I'll wait.
"But wait, he used to no-sell as the old Undertaker!" Read the sentence again. No-sell = bad match. Period.
Notice there is no mention of jobbing. I could give you a list of older guys that still put on a decent match to the best of their ability from Flair to Funk . . . but if you don't get it, then you just never will.
A legend puts on the best matches he can until they have to carry him out of the building because he can't go anymore. A legend doesn't put himself over cheaply by no-selling instead of putting himself over through great matches. A legend doesn't drag his no-talent wife into the ring to squeeze every last dollar out of the end of his career.
But you're the cool guy. You're the one guy who will stand against the pack to celebrate bad wrestling matches - because God forbid that a popular opinion might actually be correct.
I'll bet your newfound sense of cool makes up for being a 30 year old virgin who sits around with his loser friends telling tales about "this one time . . . I was SOOOOO wasted." lol.
Now go cry yourself to sleep in your Nantuckett Nectars PJ's you loser. You've got to be up by 7:00 or you'll lose your sweet job assignment in the produce department and be back to bag boy duty.
Yes, that's it... I am just being "cool" by standing against the "majority".... I've done that my whole life.
Funny, tho'... I hear the "majority" popping like crazy whenever the Undertaker rolls out. Hmm.
I thought UT put on one of his best matches in his life against HHH at Wrestlemania this year... but I guess that was all HHH's doing.
Nah, he's right... I'll just hook up with a message board and agree with what everyone there says... THAT'S the road to coolness... no more of this just being a mark for the sake of enjoying wrestling anymore... naaah, F-that.
How DARE that Calloway a-hole not sell for Page Sunday night.... even though Page launched zero offense so it kind of looks like he wasn't supposed to. How DARE UT NOT put Page over even tho' after Raw tonight, it's painfully obviously that DDP is being punished for backstage deeds. Oh, that Calloway BASTARD!! WHY DOESN'T HE JUST PUT BENOIT OVER THEN GO AWAY AND DIE DIE DIE!!!
Nice touch insulting me personally afterwards... TOTALLY puts the credibility stamp on your juvenile attempt at debate.
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS HOLLYWOOD REPORT
So, I was on AIM last week and was contacted by a guy claiming to be fairly well connected in the film making business. I talked to him for a few hours, and he seemed on the up and up...
So, seeing how I'm always looking for new, cool stuff to report... he agreed to give the inside scoop on some of Hollywood's BRIGHTEST stars....
and apparently, THEY'RE ALL HOMOS!!! Actually, my source stressed this a lot... 75%... 7f-ing5% of Hollywood are BIsexual.
But he said something interesting about the whole scene in Tinseltown... as you will see... it's not about being gay... it's about something else...
So, I broke down the chat into a nifty little recap... enjoy this inside look at the stars of the screen!
-James Vanderbeek and Joshua Jackson of Dawson's Creek both gay. Dawson himself hit on an actor friend of my reporter.
-Michelle Williams... big lesbian. Katie Holmes... uber-slut. Picks up a LOT of guys for one nighters.
-In fact, almost the entire cast of DC are swingers... except, ironically, the gay guy on the show who is actually straight.
-Keanu Reeves, who shacked up with Katie while filming The Gift is Bi... SO IS JOHNNY DEPP!!!!! Apparently, Kate Moss f-ed up Johnny's head and made him a switch hitter
-There IS a home video of J-Lo... but the shooter was filming it through her window.
-Winona Ryder... very BIsexual, but if you see her at a party, give her ONE drink and just ask her for sex... she's yours. BIG screamer, that one... Xena-like
-Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are wanna-be straight guys who have sex with each other.
-Same with Mark Walberg and George Clooney... these two like to doubleteam a babe, but never complain about a stray hand going someplace else.
-Julia Roberts is actually a pretty straight up gal.
-Linda Blair... back in the day, used to bang anything that walks.
-Jennifer Love Hewitt plays Miss Goody Goody in life, but she'll happily screw you for a role... especially is you tell her another actress is seriously up for the part.
-Neve Campbell... total ditz.
-Andie McDowell is a nudist... likes to walk around her house buck naked.
-Penelope Cruz was a slut in Mexican films... so her rep proceeded her to Hollywood, which is why she's always hanging with stars.
-Heather Graham... first date = f**king your brains out.
-Finally, my sources top ten list for easiest lays in Hollywood: Winona Ryder, Katie Holmes, Elizabeth Berkley, Jennifer Beals, Roseanne, Alyssa Milano, Sharon Stone used to be, Toni Colette, Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra, and Jennie McCarthy. Okay, so that's 11.
See, it was explained to me that it's all about NOTHING but sex in Hollywood.... and usually, sex = power.
Oh and before you head on out to get lucky off Alyssa Milano, my man stressed that you have to be IN the business and have SOMETHING going before these girls will even look at you.
There you go... I'm sure the e-mails will be forthcoming bashing the crap out of me for putting this up. Hey, F-You... I find this fascinating... AND THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN WRESTLING!!!
BUT, PLUGS
Not much... good. It'll give you all time to catch up.
PK did RAW. PK did Raw GOOD. At least I hope he did... hey, I watched the show, why do I need to read the recap? I know for a fact that PK had the recap up before Letterman started... God Bless the bastard
One thing I DO need to read (well, not really) is Josh Nason's big 411 Indy News Recap. If there's wrestling going on... no matter where, no matter who is in it... no matter how horrific the gimmicks and action is... you can believe that Josh Nason WILL be there and WILL cover it.
JAKE RATTLES OFF
So, I was looking forward to pull some more hard livin' words from Jake "The Snake" Roberts...
But, instead of the eternally entertaining site... THISD popped up on the page:
It Worked!
The SSL-aware Apache Web Server is Installed on this Web Site.
If you can see this page, then the people who own this domain have just installed the Apache Web server software and Apache Interface to OpenSSL (mod_ssl) successfully.
They now have to add content to this directory and replace this placeholder page, or else point the server at their real content.
ATTENTION!
If you are seeing this page instead of the site you expected, please contact the administrator of the site involved. (Try sending mail to .) Although this site is running the Apache software it almost certainly has no other connection to the Apache Group, so please do not send mail about this site or its contents to the Apache authors. If you do, your message will be ignored.
The Apache documentation has been included with this distribution. Especially read the SSL documentation carefully.
The Webmaster of this site is free to use the images below on an SSL-aware Apache Web server.
Thanks for using Apache!
Damn... damn the Crack cocaine
Dammit Jake... PEOPLE LOVE YOU!!
Evil powder, kids.... just say no
THE WEB WARRIORS!
I heard that Hawk gave a nice little interview where he bitches about everything....
but the problem is, it's in two parts, and the second half isn't due until next week... so I'll get to that when the full interview is up.
BUT... I was sniffing around the their site, which seems to be more of a fan page than a personal site... and I found this...
Hawk is looking good! Word is that Hawk's been working out at the gym full force and we can see the improvement. Watch out Droz!!
Dude... UPDATE!!!! UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!!
Jesus... either it's old... or Hawk is REALLY pissed at Droz.
Okay, let's cap off the column with a special bonus treat... schools in session and get yer pencils out for...
SPICE UP THE LOVELIFE
As I said last week, Yohann Trembley sent me here. I'm sure there are THOUSANDS more sites just like this.... I don't care, don't waste my time telling me about them.
Sick of the missionary position? Tired of straight doggy style? Keep your marriage alive with THESE nifty techniques:
Tonight's theme... FIRST GLANCES
Reading the Defense [n] The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments" not to get caught cheating later on at some point. Having Beer Goggles makes it very hard to Read the Defense.
DDF [n] Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, she's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"
And with that... I’m out
This is Hyatte.